I met this girl once, a year ago, while rocking out to the great Scott Whyte Band at the Sharks Cove in Manhattan Beach. Haven’t heard from her since a week after that, until she just texted me.
“Hey…I don’t know if you remember me, but awhile ago we had a crazy night when I kidnapped you from a bar back to my friends house when I had a blue star painted on my face.”
“I remember! We played truth or dare Jenga! The next week you told me you were dating someone. I just checked and we’re not fb friends anymore.”
“Yeah I deactivated it. And…I am single but just found out I have an accidental bun in the oven. Totally freaking stoked about it too…Just had my 29th bday and I get a baby, lol.”
“Is it mine!”
“That’d be pretty rad, and a hilarious kid if it was…I mean, we only went so far…but Maybe it is…Can you get pregnant from a sex dream? ;)”
“I remember. I was held up and second base. I’d like to think the dream version of myself had a vasectomy. But hey, congrats, so glad to hear you’re stoked about this.”
“SO stoked. Sorry if that makes me unmarketable now, however. Guess this means I have baggage, haha.”
“Well, I love kids. And I think it’s awesome you’re keeping this baby, but my maturity level is about that of the embryo growing inside you so I’m not sure I’d be the best influence, but if you’re ever in the South Bay and need someone to bring you random combinations of food in the middle of the night.”
“That’s actually true. EVERYTHING makes me gag except some random combo—like pineapple and peanut butter or scrambled eggs and watermelon….so when’s your next show, I never got to see you?”
“May 22 at the Hollywood Improv is my next big one. I can only imagine a pregnant woman in the front row will be great for the comics.”
“I’ll come! I’m done teaching that week. Just let me know when it gets closer!”
If finding out who this girl is isn’t more incentive for you to come to my next show, on May 22nd at my favorite club, The Hollywood Improv, then you should seriously reexamine your life. Also, apparently she’s a teacher. Maybe she can explain to me how to get down this spacing out lines on tumblr thing.