It’s a new year. A time for us to to better ourselves and the world around us. A time for fat people everywhere to start exercising for a week. A time where it now can be legal everywhere for adults to have sex with girls born in…wait for it…1994. That’s insane. I remember that year very well. Babies could have been born while listening to Dookie or The Blue Album. They could have been born while Homer and Apu sang “Who Needs the Kwik-E-Mart?” for the first time. Babies could have been born out of sheer boredom with baseball fans everywhere having no one to cheer for during the strike. And now those babies are turning 18. Not that I’m interested. If I had a shot with 18 year olds, I would have taken advantage of that when I was 18. 

We all have heard the Mayans have predicted this as the end of the world. I’m not sure why we believe this. If the Mayans can predict the future, they probably would have written books about sexy vampires a long time ago. But if for some reason they are right, I have the following life goals left to accomplish this year before I die:

1. Travel the world with my friend David Yeager taking pictures every famous landmark as our boner. 
2. Run into Kenan Thompson from SNL in a sports bar, find a hockey stick and puck on the wall, and convince him to perform the Knucklepuck just one more time.
3. Jet ski with my friend Matt from the top of Maine to the bottom of Florida, stopping at every East Coast city along the way. 
4. Go to Taco Bell, order 500 tacos, have the person behind the counter drop their jaw, scream “FIVE HUNDRED TACOS!?!?,” start pulling out their hair, and sprint out of the taco bell screaming, never to be seen again. 
5. Have sex with a half Indian girl/half Indian girl. Preferably wearing both feathers and a dot. 
6. Have quadruplet boys, put them through high school, have them all join the track team and run the 4X4 so it looks like just one kid is running around 4 times. 
7. I’ve never been to to Vegas, so: go to Vegas, have a bachelor party, get married, have a wedding reception, have a honeymoon, get divorced, and have a freedom party all in 24 hours. 
8. Set up a lemonade stand on  a German autobahn. 
9. Show up to one of my friend’s houses unannounced in a hot air balloon. 
10. Be going through security at a airport, have a girl cut in front of me saying she’s late, have her go through the metal detector right ahead of me, have her bag set off the alarm, and have a security guard go through it and pull out her gigantic vibrator saying that something that big is technically considered a weapon.