Immodest Proposal?

If you haven’t yet, watch the two videos below this post before reading it. Isaac’s first then mine.

My new roommate Ben decided to show me a video on Sunday. For some reason, he thought it would be a good idea to bring feelings into our household and showed me Isaac’s Live Lip-Dub Proposal on YouTube. It was a brilliant, heart-warming portrayal of true drama-dork love that actually gave me chills and got me a little teary eyed. Feeling things like feelings usually cause me to make jokes to combat these feelings and I said to my roommates that he probably did the same thing in high school just to get blow jobs. This sparked an idea that I wanted to make an entire new video of all my friends, family, and a marching band all helping me convince a girl to give me a blow job through the power of dance and lip-syncing. Then I remembered that My First Asian took me almost a year to make, with the case-of-beer-budget that I have, and that maybe it would be the same effect if I just recorded the song and replaced it over Isaac’s video. I had it finished a few hours after my roommate showed me the original one. I posted it to my YouTube, but only emailed it to my manager to ask if she thought it was too much. I thought I had made it a private address only she could see, but I guess I did not. The next morning I woke up and found my email cluttered with emails from YouTube saying people had made comments on it. Here are some of the top comments:

Are you freaking kidding me, you complete freaking loser?!?! Take this very special moment and twist is to your sophomoric humor. I hope your genitals fall off!

YOU ARE A SAD SAD EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN if I could slap you up side the head I would because you are not man enough to take a punch like a real man you sick SOB

How incredibly low of you. To hijack Issac’s Bruno Mars marriage proposal video and claim it as the original is really mean spirited. You are ruining their very special moment. Jerk.

I would make 100 YouTube accounts just so I could ” dislike” this 100 times! Get a life! That proposal was amazing and your just making these videos because your never gonna get proposed to!

Sad that you keep deleting comments that call you out as being a grandstanding fool. Some comedy, Mr. Comedian, isn’t funny. This is one example of such.

Perhaps what actually is sad is that that guy kept coming back to the video to comment, meaning he was just giving it more hits and traction. Yes I delete those comments, why would I ever want to keep them connected to my YouTube account. I’ll keep them if they aren’t overboard, but I don’t hate on anyone else’s videos and I don’t need it on mine. I knew it would get a ton of dislikes. You can actually see demographics of who is viewing your video and right now my audience appears to be mainly 45-55 year old women, who probably got there by accident.  I’d really like to see what Isaac would think of my version, I think he might appreciate it just a little bit. I’m sure his fiance, Beth, does not just like I’m sure that my mother, Beth, does not. I wish Beth and Isaac a bright and loving future which I’m sure they’ll have and I apologize that the only way for me to produce a video where a guy does a song and dance number with 60 people and a marching band just to get a blow job was to use what was probably the best moment of their lives.

Some people don’t seem to be mad about me ruining the proposal video, but rather the Bruno Mars song Marry You. And I really apologize to anyone who’s a fan of the genius lyricist who once penned, “Today I don’t feel like doing anything/I just wanna lay in my bed/Don’t feel like picking up my phone/So leave a message at the tone/Cuz today I swear I’m not doing anything.” It appears that included writing lyrics. You guys realize Marry You contains the line “If we wake up and you wanna break up that’s cool. I won’t blame you. It was fun girl.” Isaac is obviously laying a little groundwork here, almost foreshadowing the next video we see him in, 3 years from now, with all his family and friends singing, “I think I want an annulment.”

Danno Carter - Isaac’s Alternate Live Lip-Dub Proposal

Isaac’s Live Lip-Dub Proposal.

Last night at The Hollywood Improv was a super fun show. It was definitely the best overall show I’ve done in terms of the lineup. I may have had a few better personal performances in the past, but as a host the show is a thousand times better when everyone kills. Even if you’re a great lead-off hitter, you still need a great lineup behind you to drive you around to score to help win the game, or the crowd over. Plus this was about 90% new material so it was like going up against a new pitcher with a new batting stance. Baseball metaphors will be around for a long time. Possibly even longer then it will take for me to get to second base with this girl way out of my league who has been throwing my curveballs since high school except for one time when she came out of left field and seemed to decide that when she’s drunk I’m a heavy hitter but I dropped the ball, striking out looking, hoping someday it will be a whole new ball game. 

I signed two autographs for 2 girls who sat right in the front and got a high five from Colin Hanks after my set, but the highlight of the evening had to be when I introducing Laurie Kilmartin, who is a writer for Conan and popped in to do a 5 minute set. I said that I hoped someday she will introduce me to one of my personal heroes, Teddy Jr. No one had any idea what I was talking about except for her and my Uncle Garrett, but she said it would be no problem and that he hangs out backstage often. I’m holding you to that, Laurie.

Texts from 6 minutes ago

I met this girl once, a year ago, while rocking out to the great Scott Whyte Band at the Sharks Cove in Manhattan Beach. Haven’t heard from her since a week after that, until she just texted me.

“Hey…I don’t know if you remember me, but awhile ago we had a crazy night when I kidnapped you from a bar back to my friends house when I had a blue star painted on my face.”

“I remember! We played truth or dare Jenga! The next week you told me you were dating someone. I just checked and we’re not fb friends anymore.”

“Yeah I deactivated it. And…I am single but just found out I have an accidental bun in the oven. Totally freaking stoked about it too…Just had my 29th bday and I get a baby, lol.”

“Is it mine!”

“That’d be pretty rad, and a hilarious kid if it was…I mean, we only went so far…but Maybe it is…Can you get pregnant from a sex dream? ;)”

“I remember. I was held up and second base. I’d like to think the dream version of myself had a vasectomy. But hey, congrats, so glad to hear you’re stoked about this.”

“SO stoked. Sorry if that makes me unmarketable now, however. Guess this means I have baggage, haha.”

“Well, I love kids. And I think it’s awesome you’re keeping this baby, but my maturity level is about that of the embryo growing inside you so I’m not sure I’d be the best influence, but if you’re ever in the South Bay and need someone to bring you random combinations of food in the middle of the night.”

“That’s actually true. EVERYTHING makes me gag except some random combo—like pineapple and peanut butter or scrambled eggs and watermelon….so when’s your next show, I never got to see you?”

“May 22 at the Hollywood Improv is my next big one. I can only imagine a pregnant woman in the front row will be great for the comics.”

“I’ll come! I’m done teaching that week. Just let me know when it gets closer!”

If finding out who this girl is isn’t more incentive for you to come to my next show, on May 22nd at my favorite club, The Hollywood Improv, then you should seriously reexamine your life. Also, apparently she’s a teacher. Maybe she can explain to me how to get down this spacing out lines on tumblr thing.

The Aftermath (so far)

It’s been one week since I posted my first music video, My First Asian. 900 views. If it gets to 1,000 today, at this pace it should get to 1,000,000 views right around my 48th birthday. By that time I fully expect our planet to have interbred so much that we won’t even be able to tell which newborn babies are Asian, until they turn 6 months old and can play the violin. I’ve booked a few shows because of it but not much else has changed. I’m going to include a few messages that I’ve received from unnamed people who saw the video:

  • "Wow…just wow. Please don’t ever friend my children on Facebook. You just added a solid 10 years to my mental timeline of when they’re allowed to have FB accounts!"
  • "Hi, Dan. Long time no see! How’s life treatin ya? So not gonna lie, saw your song on fb, I’m super offended! Just kidding! It was rather hilarious and I enjoyed it thoroughly. It’s called Asian persuasion for a reason… and the whole being loud during sex is spot on! We make white chicks look bad.”
  • It’s all making sense now… Is this why you took me to see crouching tiger hidden dragon?”
  • "Well I can officially say that your facebook account will be permanently blocked from my children. That being said, we found it hysterical and my husband absolutely loved when you morphed into a giant black man."

My apologies if you don’t want your children seeing things like this, but censorship is on you: a parent, not me: a happily single man-child. It’s impossible to both keep in touch with your family members and try to promote your (maybe somewhat inappropriate) videos on facebook without this happening. Maybe for every “adult” video I make, I should then make one for kids. 

By far the most common two questions that people have for me are:

A: How did you get that giant Jamaican?

B: Did you actually have sex with that Asian actress?

My answers are:

A: I asked him at a party and gave him a bagel.

B: No. She has a boyfriend, who now hates me. She did, however, leave me with a case of blue balls.

I feel very blessed to have worked with these incredibly talented performers.

As Kevin says in the teasers down below, these people in the video really were hammered. That double beer bong is filled to the brim in every scene and taken down hard. It took about 18 takes to get 2 shots of them fist pumping in unison. I should post a video of the outtakes.

Many people are enjoying it, but they are saying they can’t share it because it will offend their Asian friends. I don’t think this is true at all. I consider it a 4 minute long compliment. To back this up, since posting that video, I have had 4 Asian girls friend request me on facebook, so I don’t know who really is getting offended, but I’ve narrowed it down to three possible options:

Perhaps the good people at Sega are offended by me calling the game Sonic the Hedgehog easy? Listen Sega, I’m only saying it’s easy when you are using Knuckles and Game Genie. You could have unlimited rings and fly! If you’re really upset about this, Sega, you can see a Halloween tribute to your mascot on a post below.I hope that will rekindle our relationship.

Joey Chestnut?
It’s hard to believe that this man, who is actually working in that photograph could be offended by anything, but he also could be justified. The lyrics in the song clearly say “I’m sorry girl, I’m not that impressed. You’re from the same place as the guy who wins all the hot dog eating contests.”
This sounds like a reference to Takeru Kobayashi, who at one point was the world champion in the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest as well as the world record holder. But, Joey Chestnut has since claimed this crown…5 times and running and has slaughtered Kobayashi’s record. He obviously has a case to be upset.
Well, Joey, this Asian girl that I’m so happily singing about wasn’t actually from Japan…she was from San Francisco, California. The Bay Area. Where are you from? Vallero, California? Also the Bay Area. I’m not referencing Kobayashi here! I’m referencing you! Nothing makes me more proud to be an American than watching you deep-throat 5 wet hot dogs at a time on the 4th of July. The truth is that I gave up on Kobayashi once I saw him lose a hot dog eating contest to a bear. That’s definitely worth watching, especially the post-contest interview where Kobayashi claims that he is going to train to one day beat the 1,089-pound-beast who ate 50 hot dogs in 2 minutes.

General Peng Dehuai?
General Peng Dehuai was a prominent Chinese Communist military leader, and China’s Defense Minister, from 1954 to 1959. He could be offended for the following reasons:
-I portrayed him as the father of a Japanese Daughter
-I implied that he has a vagina
He might have a case, but he’s also a Communist. And he’s dead.

A true story of a life changing evening with an amazing woman.

My First Asian Music Video Teasers

The videos below were taken on set at the shooting for my next music video, “My First Asian,” my go-to stand up hit. A spontaneous party erupts after a wild night with a girl from the other side of the world. The girl who plays the part of my first asian? Lucy Liu's body double from Kill Bill! I have big Hollywood connections. She was out in her trailer during this scene, drinking Dom Perignon, eating caviar, and getting a Swedish massage. This was just during some pick up shots of the band. It’s a good thing to have a lot of friends…who like free alcohol. Big ups for Sky-Guy for documenting. Stay tuned!

MFA Teaser 1

MFA Teaser 2

If this is it

It’s a new year. A time for us to to better ourselves and the world around us. A time for fat people everywhere to start exercising for a week. A time where it now can be legal everywhere for adults to have sex with girls born in…wait for it…1994. That’s insane. I remember that year very well. Babies could have been born while listening to Dookie or The Blue Album. They could have been born while Homer and Apu sang “Who Needs the Kwik-E-Mart?” for the first time. Babies could have been born out of sheer boredom with baseball fans everywhere having no one to cheer for during the strike. And now those babies are turning 18. Not that I’m interested. If I had a shot with 18 year olds, I would have taken advantage of that when I was 18. 

We all have heard the Mayans have predicted this as the end of the world. I’m not sure why we believe this. If the Mayans can predict the future, they probably would have written books about sexy vampires a long time ago. But if for some reason they are right, I have the following life goals left to accomplish this year before I die:

  1. Travel the world with my friend David Yeager taking pictures every famous landmark as our boner. 
  2. Run into Kenan Thompson from SNL in a sports bar, find a hockey stick and puck on the wall, and convince him to perform the Knucklepuck just one more time.
  3. Jet ski with my friend Matt from the top of Maine to the bottom of Florida, stopping at every East Coast city along the way. 
  4. Go to Taco Bell, order 500 tacos, have the person behind the counter drop their jaw, scream “FIVE HUNDRED TACOS!?!?,” start pulling out their hair, and sprint out of the taco bell screaming, never to be seen again. 
  5. Have sex with a half Indian girl/half Indian girl. Preferably wearing both feathers and a dot. 
  6. Have quadruplet boys, put them through high school, have them all join the track team and run the 4X4 so it looks like just one kid is running around 4 times. 
  7. I’ve never been to to Vegas, so: go to Vegas, have a bachelor party, get married, have a wedding reception, have a honeymoon, get divorced, and have a freedom party all in 24 hours. 
  8. Set up a lemonade stand on  a German autobahn. 
  9. Show up to one of my friend’s houses unannounced in a hot air balloon. 
  10. Be going through security at a airport, have a girl cut in front of me saying she’s late, have her go through the metal detector right ahead of me, have her bag set off the alarm, and have a security guard go through it and pull out her gigantic vibrator saying that something that big is technically considered a weapon. 

If anyone knows where to find this beer, please tell me! I’m hoping to get at least a free road trip back east out of this deal. I make a lot of these deals/bets, and now I have a camera to capture them on. This counts as a verbal contract right? The biggest problem…I have to figure out who the crap this kid is. 

Nothing’s Gay at Christmas

A teacher in Michigan removed the word “gay” from the Christmas Carol, Deck the Halls, replacing the line with “don we now our bright apparel.” Parents are up in arms about this, believing no one should actually be offended by a song from the 16th century when the word had a completely different. I, for one, am also offended, but mainly because I believe that we really do don our gay apparel at Christmas. Here’s me and my roommate Kevin Last Christmas…

Pretty, pretty gay. If it was the middle of July, you’d probably only see this guy out trolling on Santa Monica Blvd in West Hollywood, but at Christmas? He looks like he’s in the military! 

Every Christmas we listen to nsync, Mariah Carey, and even Wham! When else during the calendar year would listening to something like this not make us gay? I even found myself watching 20 minutes of Glee only because it was a Christmas episode. We care more about decorating our houses than ever before and total strangers can show up on your door step and start singing and it’s completely normal! Men bake cookies, drink fruity and colorful drinks, and stuff their mouth’s with the icing from a gingerbread man. All of the other reindeer used to laugh at Rudolph and call him names, just cause of one little glowing red nose, but a reindeer named Prancer gets away scott-free? 

The music teacher at Cherry Knoll elementary school in Michigan said she decided to change the lyrics because the students kept snickering and giggling every time they sang it and that it didn’t matter that it has alternate meanings. Well, who wants to be the one to get these kids giggling year round and teach them the alternate meaning for the word cherry? 

NYC Show

This year I was thankful for my first show in the big apple. I landed at Newark airport at about 6:00. I had to get a train from the airport into the city and realized I was flat broke. A nice black woman gave me a free ticket after I explained to her I had a show to get to. I’m thankful for her. I arrived at my buddy Frank’s place at around 7:00, had a drink with him, his fiancé Alex, Matt, and Pat. Where hopped in a cab to around the East Village to the New York Comedy Club where I performed to a sold out crowd on Wednesday, the night before Thanksgiving. It was a small, intimate, but fun room. They had a crazy eclectic lineup. A 60-something Croatian woman ( who was kind of hilarious without any jokes) was followed by a stoned black dude in dreads who was followed by a 50-something gay jew. It was actually pretty refreshing not being in a lineup with all 20-something white guys like my normal LA shows. The club threw me some solid cash, so suddenly I was not completely broke and I felt good about the show. I hadn’t seen some of these kids since high school, including girls I had crushes on who are now married/engaged. That’s always fun. I can’t help but be jealous for a second when I meet their husbands, but then I remember…wait a minute, they’re married! But then I remember that they probably also have a positive bank account.

We all went out after to a nice NY Irish pub and drank yuenglings. I’m thankful for yuenglings too. And everyone that bought me one. 

Extra Shamrock Stamp to: Frank for his guitar. 

Merry Best-Weekend-Of-The-Year-To-Have-A-Walk-Of-Shame to All!

Stumbling home on the Hermosa strand this morning, I was wearing this. 

I passed a German beer girl, a Snooki, and what seemed like a slutty cat/devil hybrid all looking much more embarrassed to me. Really, they shouldn’t feel too bad as hardly anyone will ever recognize them for who they actually are. My buddy actually sent me this photo this morning. I didn’t even realize how topical my costume was…

This year is Sonic’s twentieth anniversary! Happy Birthday, Sonic! Just one more year until he’s getting drunk!

…and then has an awkward morning waking up next to Tails.

Happy Halloween, everybody!